You Suck Without

Due to the infiltration upon my brain that advertisements have made in the past years of my life, I am now convinced of the following: My whole wardrobe sucks, the cleaning products I use are far too much work and inconvenient while not even actually cleaning, my skin is terrible so I should douse it in anti-acne creams and then cover it up (just like Jessica Simpson and Justin Bieber), I have an overactive bladder intruding on my happiness, and I can still ride bicycles with herpes (but only with proper medication).

It is estimated that we see 3,000-5,000 ads in the course of 24 hours in the present day, and although your mouth may have just dropped at such high statistical numbers, how is this surprising? Nowadays, people looking to promote their products will do just about anything to do so.

Every space that can be attacked with this form of mental terrorism has been, and in all forms: transportation, media venues such as magazines, TV, the internet, etc., any spot advertisers can think of really. Some companies have taken to putting little, printed ads on your eggs so right before you crack it open and drop it into the frying pan, you are reminded about erectile dysfunction or that new reality show based on people hunting gargoyles. Others have advertised on your pizza boxes, Chinese food cartons, video screens in elevators and public restrooms, and even (yes, even), on the paper that lines your doctor examination bed. Some people are actually selling the sides of their houses to be used as billboards, and milk took it one step further with the ingenious idea of putting up billboards that wafted out the delicious scent of chocolate chip cookies, so that even if you didn’t see the billboard you’d smell cookies and instantly think of milk. Not only that, but now they have ads that are interactive, which is to say a sensor senses your presence and then screams at you “Hey you, little mindless robot! You suck without this product!”

However, to me the greatest marketing ploy of all time is the creation of products covered in their own logo. You know, like purses literally smothered in the Coach logo or a jacket that has the name brand stitched all over it. Why you ask, do I think this is brilliant, if not the greatest achievement an advertiser could ever have created? Because you paid to advertise their product. You literally went to said company, whichever was your choice (or was it…?), and handed over your credit card and announced that you would pay them $500 dollars to become a walking billboard. (Foolish little consumers.)

You know you love me.

More or less, what advertisements do is not tell you about their product, but how you suck without it. So let me just say this…

You absolutely, 100% without a doubt, are a total bore and so uncool if you don’t visit every single day. (Fact.)

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