The Real Surprising Reasoning

Occasionally when I’m surfing the net with no particular direction, I like to check out sites such as Men’s Health to read what kind of advice men are giving other men about women. You know, basic stuff like how to last longer in bed, how to buy me lingerie, and how to boost my confidence so I have more sex, so when I saw the title 15 Surprising Reasons She Has Sex With You I was officially intrigued. (Do tell, Men’s Health.)

The problem is… none of their reasoning was surprising at all. Their answers ranged from “She feels horny,” (duh) to “She wants to experience pleasure,” (duh) to “She’s attracted to you,” (and again… duh). Alright, so pretty much the writers at Men’s Health were either totally strapped for an article, actually have no clue what an odd reason for a woman sleeping with a man is, or they have very little faith in the intelligence of their readers. Or maybe a blend of all three…

Of course, as I was sitting there the only things that were running through my mind were reasons that were actually surprising in why she might tango with a dude in the bedroom, and I decided to take the time to fill you in on some surprising truths… in case you’re curious. (Oh, and even if you don’t find these surprising, they may depress you. That works too.)

1. She wants you to vacuum. Yep, that’s right. Statistically it has been shown that 84% of women have had sex with their partner simply to bribe him to clean up a little. This is a tactic that has been used since soap was invented, gentlemen. So the next time some lady starts putting the moves on you, and you notice a pile of dirty laundry in the corner… you may want to think about what you’re getting yourself into. Personally, I have never intentionally done this, however, I will admit, I never have to do the dishes…

2.  She has a headache. I know. I know. We always hear about the chick who says she “has a headache” in order to get out of a little copulating, but honestly, if she says this: she’s probably lying. Because sex releases endormorphins, which act as a pain reliever, women may actually use you as a quick fix drug. (It’s also been proven to help with period cramps). I’m going to be honest… if I have a headache that’s when I’m begging for it.

3. She wants to break up with her boyfriend. This is one of those tricky ones. You’re in the bar, some chick comes sashaying over with a spritzer placed elegantly in her hand, and she’s into you. You can’t figure out why. Well, it’s not because she’s attracted to you. She’s simply looking for a scapegoat in her current relationship… and you are just that. Women can be pussies and rather than actually say to a man “Hey, I don’t like you anymore,” they sometimes resort to crappy plans such as sleeping with someone else and then telling their boyfriend “I cheated on you.” You were just her pawn.

4. She pities you. Women have this annoying habit of wanting to nurture others, and this is even the case with random sexual partners sometimes. She doesn’t want you. She doesn’t admire your skills at anything. Shit, she may not even like you, but she feels bad for you because you are such a sorry loser. So maybe before you start fist bumping your buddies about your encounter the previous night… you might want to investigate the facts. You may be nothing more than a charity case (and that’s no reason to fist bump).

5. It just happened. Oops. Sometimes people forget where they are and what they’re doing and this can also be the case with women when having sex. Whoopsie! Yep, sometimes you’re just in the right place at the right time. (Occasionally these encounters are then described to her girlfriends as “slumming.”)

6. She wants to feel closer to God. Um, yeah. Truth be told, some crazy women have sex in order to speak better with God. I am unsure how this would work, because unless you’re married, sex is a sin, but well, maybe it would explain why some women scream “Oh, holy God! Yes, Jesus! Talk to me!”

7. She wants your best friend or your brother. Now, you may be thinking that’s a stupid reason, but it actually works. They get chummy with you. You invite them to latest party. They get access to their real interest. Next thing you know, you’re singing Chicago songs into an empty whiskey bottle because she just left arm in arm with your brother, and you hooked ‘em up, Cupid.

8. She’s pissed off at her parents. People have been defying their parents since parents have existed and one of the key ways for women to do that is to go out and have sex. They know it’s going to piss off their Catholic mommy and even if they don’t necessarily write home to mom about it, they feel better inside having done it. So… you may want to look for women who have tumultuous relationships with their parents. (However, not if you’d like to marry the chick.)

9. She was double dog dared. Daring someone to sleep with someone else is quite common and sometimes it comes in the form of a bet. It starts as a bunch of women sitting around and talking about how small your penis is and next thing you know everyone’s taunting one chick and daring them to sleep with you… and in order to prove they’re bad ass, they do it. She’s never going to call you again, little guy (unless someone dares her, of course).

10. She feels like shit about herself. It’s pretty obvious in our society that sex will get you a bunch of different things, and for women, self esteem is one of them. (Well, at least for the moment.) A lot of women go around giving it up because they think it’s going to make themselves feel better, which if you’re smart you know is not the case, but women do it anyway. So again, you’re just the pawn for her actual goal, which in this case is a better self-image.

(Here’s a full scientific study on reasons why people have sex, both men and women.)

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