Last night I watched a completely and blatantly fictional program on alien invasion broadcasted by National Geographic. The show called When Aliens Attack raised the question of what would Earth do both in defense and survival tactics if we were attacked by aliens Independence Day style, and how would we in turn, save humanity? They did this by using clips of Obama’s speeches meant for terrorists and by consulting a variety of survival, defense, and alien “experts.” They spoke of the invasion in the present tense as if it were happening as I watched and suggested that the government has this plan strategically mapped out in a series of 5 white binders (right before the binders for “Athens, The Greek God of War’s Return” and “Bear Attack: Strategic Planning for the Invasive Grizzly”).
The Reader’s Digest version more or less, goes like this: they propose that aliens would come and we would try and make contact. We would fail, miserably, and then the aliens would wipe out all forms of satellite communication. They would miss radio, the telegram, and walkie talkies (heck yes). Then, just like in Independence Day, they would deploy large flat ships over every major city, which would spit out little ships and between the two of these methods would begin destroying all cities and all of our sources of power. At this point, the president would send out an urgent public service announcement (via telegram) for everyone to evacuate the cities, but being that we are a bunch of mindless, scaredy cats our highways would jam up and the best method of flight would be either motorcycles or crawling through shit in the sewers. The government would use all forms of weaponry, right down to the nuclear bomb (which the president would cry using, of course). None of them would work. The people that survived the destruction of the cities (now hiding in forests and caves) would begin dying from lack of preparation (we can’t survive without the iPhone) and starvation and thirst, and then we would be left with only 2% of the population. Have no fear, we have other methods which include balloons and mass sex. According to the experts, we’d have to ignore society’s normal rules and impregnate every single girl of birthing age. After the men have finished copulating with everyone, they’d turn into guerilla warriors and begin constructing little bombs and shit. (I think this may be many a video gamer’s wet dream…) These little bombs would work, even though the big bombs didn’t, because now we were banded together as a human race and not just a nation. Finally, we would infiltrate the main ships by attaching a vast number of balloons to suicide bombers who would float up into the mother ships and boom, Earth is saved.
I found this curious.
First, we always assume aliens are going to come kicking our asses in some sort of mindless space zombie, evil empire Star Wars-ish, technological robot, Matrix-y kind of way. We always assume that aliens must be light years ahead of us in intelligence and technology and that Earth is so desirable they cannot help but fly on over and attempt it’s invasion. Why? I agree that the prospect that there are no other life forms in our immense (understatement) galaxy is highly unlikely. It just wouldn’t make logical sense. However, there is a good chance that those other life forms are millions of years behind us in terms of evolution and may just be slobbering all over themselves in a planet that we can’t help fly on over to and invade. The more likely scenario (in my mind) is that we destroy our planet, find another with sufficient resources and go in push them out like the Indians. (Which is to say, we kill most of them and try and make amends by giving them 2% of their own land set up as reservations with casinos, and pay most of their way into college.) However, very few venues ever touch on this case, except maybe Avatar, but more people thought deeper about the visually stimulating effects of that movie than the concept. (In fact, Avatar is not even considered an alien attack movie, even though in concept it actually is… we’re just the aliens. (Check out this list of top 30 alien invasion movies.) No, as humans, particularly American humans, we’re smug in thinking that we can do no harm and we are the underdog when it comes to aliens which will lead to defending ourselves in an inevitable righteous battle versus intergalactic man-eating monsters.
Second, balloons? Really? This conclusion was so disappointing to me, I literally sighed out loud in boredom. All of this crazy, shoot ‘em up destruction and we finish the battle with an idea that was spawned by a Disney movie (Up). No virus spreading cold like in Independence Day? No secret alien service with high tech weapons like in Men in Black? The greatest part about this however, was that apparently in those government binders of alien defense, this is in fact, our final solution. After we create an incestuous orgy of breeding, our only hope lies with a party decoration. The “experts” confirm this and the government has seriously pondered this (right…). Of course, aliens could be so far advanced they intercepted that program and concluded that right after they destroy the satellites, they must destroy all balloons. Then we’re fucked (and so is the party a bunch of college students will throw in the event of an invasive species taking over our planet).
I must add in conclusion though that the suggestive power that TV has is impressive because at the end of the program, I found myself (in all seriousness) mapping out my journey of hiding and making a list of all the supplies I was going to stock up on and stow (Butterfingers, water, flashlights, batteries, lighters, granola, Twinkies, antibacterial hand gel, Lucky Charms, tampons, porn, balloons, definitely not condoms) and wondering… would I eat my dog if I was starving and she was the only animal within a 50 mile radius? (The answer is no… she would eat me.)
However, until this alien invasion actually occurs, I am completely content sitting on my ass and eating potato chips as I watch and make fun of the “factual” shows that our society deems worthy of broadcasting. Seriously.