Kim and Kris, Sittin’ in a Tree, D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Relatively old news at this point, but in case you didn’t know Kim Kardashian filed for divorce a mere 72 days after she said her vows. This came as an utter shock to me, not because of her short-lived marriage, but rather because I was unaware that she had even gotten married. (Apparently I need to brush up on my Us Weekly reading.)

You may think that the point I’m about to try and drive home is that we shouldn’t care that her marriage lasted about as long as it took me to find Nemo. (True, but no.) You may also assume that I’m going to compare it to gay marriage like so many others. (They do have a point in regards to the sanctity of marriage, but honestly, the sanctity was destroyed long before Kim.) Hell, you may think I’m going to use this as an opportunity to attack news broadcasting networks who have been sitting around analyzing this divorce much like they “analyzed” the crumpets at the previous overly talked about Royal Wedding. (I’m long past bitching about the lack of analysis the news provides.)

No, what I want to discuss is this: the reasons that people are speculating Kim finally threw in the towel with those damned irreconcilable differences (gets ‘em every time) …

1) One “source” states that Kim Kardashian reportedly filed for divorce on the Monday she did, because her dear, new husband wanted to hire a publicist and start promoting himself with colognes and shit. Wait… what? Kim Kardashian feels foiled by someone trying to shamelessly promote themselves? How ironic. Kim, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but even your effin’ sisters used you to leap frog into some sort of celebrity form (amoeba-like form with no substance). Kim was reported as saying to one of her dear non-fame chasing friends, “He’s not in fucking Hollywood. He plays sports!” Uh… what does that even mean? To be honest, Kimmy, I’m pretty sure he has more a right to “Hollywood” than you, because he’s like, good at something. You know, other than shamelessly promoting oneself. And let’s not forget, the manner in which you publicly broadcast your wedding and everything that occurs for you in general. Your whole life is a promotion. How was this dude supposed to get any other idea from you? Hypocritical.

2) Another “source” claims that the reasoning behind Kim’s final decision was because Kris (her new estranged husband) doesn’t want to be followed by cameras anymore and wanted to pull himself from Kim’s super awesome show. According to some people I don’t know nor trust, this dude was saying it was ruining the marriage and that Kim was flabbergasted by his decision because he knew damn well beforehand that a marriage to her was a marriage to E! and reality TV. If this is the actual reason it proves two things: a) Kim wasn’t actually in love with this guy and b) this guy is not smart. Love is not always unconditional and in this case the conditions are your life and marriage being constantly edited into a weekly 30 minute time slot or… get lost.

(Let us take a moment now to ponder how these two reasons are both completely contradictory. On the one hand, he wants more fame and on the other hand, he wants to hide from cameras. Okay… moving on.)

3) And then of course, as most believe, the wedding wasn’t even real and just a ploy for Kim to rack in 17 million dollars. Folks, in all honesty, I really hope this is the reason. Why? Because then, Kim will have proved she can actually succeed at something (profit), instead of failing miserably at something (marriage).

Have too much time on your hands like myself? Click here for the actual divorce papers, and wonder as I did, why she checked ‘irreconcilable differences’ instead of ‘incurable insanity.’

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