Thoughts of Single-dom

If there is one thing I’m good at… it’s being single. (It turns out I have a lot of practice.)

This week has so far, been a roller coaster of emotions, but for the most part I’ve always had a pretty good handle on my own. I’ll admit the first couple of days, I talked some shit. Mainly because I got drunk, which is always a sure proof way to lose that grip on emotions, but have since pulled that monster back on the reins. In the course of any break-up, a slew of things are done and said that are not meant, but spit more out of the misunderstanding of an overwhelming feeling that is hurt.

But overall, things have been moving right along smoothly.

And like I said, I’m really good at being single.

This is not entirely at my own hands. Dudes make it much easier by showering me with attention and propositions. My friends make it easier by having an endless supply of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, red wine, and too much time to talk on the phone. Work makes it easier by simply being constant in my life.

But for the most part, it is me that is good at being single because of me. As I mentioned earlier, I’m really good at keeping a grip on my emotions. I really know how to have a good time (and I know this because I always have a good time). I’m almost always happy. Oh, and there is no shortage of guys that want to fill the void an ex leaves. Lump that all together and you have a recipe for a chick who knows how to be alone…

Nonetheless, there are a couple things that have come to mind this week in regards to being independently alone and back in the world of dating:

1) Douche bags. The minute I switched my Facebook relationship status to single, my inbox blew up. Of course, this at first was a wonderful feeling. Ooooh, look at all my options! However, it became increasingly clear that 99% of the men suddenly interested in my life or being a really great friend by offering comfort (or whatever their gimmick was) were- put simply- douche bags. I’ve always been the first to admit that I love attention, and this is still the case, but really? For some reason, the waiting list of dudes thought it was necessary to bombard me with words of wisdom, congratulations, and invitations to snuggle away my tears right into their bedrooms. Here’s a tip, douche bags: don’t be douche bags. Give it a couple days. Maybe send me a text instead of FB message. Or better yet, can this approach entirely and just buy me a bottle of whiskey.

Also, I’m 27. Do you really think I don’t know exactly who to call when I need to talk about something?  The if you need somebody to talk to… coming from a guy I haven’t talked to in 4 years is an interesting way to make a pass at me. Although, considering, I should just be happy that so many people want to lend me their shoulder to cry on… so that my face can fall right into their lap.

Herpes blockers

2) Herpes. I have an irrational fear of herpes, and whenever I’m single, it comes around full force. Add on to that a slew of douche bags writing me misspelled Facebook messages, and the statistic 1 in 5, begins bouncing around my brain like popcorn in a microwave. Out of all the dudes that contacted me, some were bound to have herpes and that is scary. STDs are not an issue for the couple (unless you both already have it). You do not have to worry about what the guy on your first date has been doing. You’ve past that benchmark safely. But being thrown back into the dating world, you have no choice to realize you’re also being thrown back into the herpes world and no amount of condoms has ever relieved me of that fear.

3) There is no reason. When something unfortunate happens, the world begins raining down the cliche phrases upon you. My least favorite? Everything happens for a reason. No. That is false. However, the amount of times that this was said to me the past week has been astronomical. In fact, I’m pretty sure every person I know has said it to me. What reason? Who are you to know such things? The world is beautiful place filled with happy accidents, unlikely coincidences, and self-made decisions. Not some reason that looms above all of us. The only reason our break-up happened is because we could not fix the problems that were within it. There is no greater reason that that, and your words- that you say for every situation in every single person’s life- have not made me feel better. Mainly because I think they’re bullshit.

4) Online dating. Yeehaw! I pondered this for about 3 and a 1/2 minutes and then laughed at myself. All I could think was people don’t write ‘I have herpes’ in their profiles. Scratch that idea.

So I kept thinking all of these things, and few others not as worthy of mention and then it became a little more apparent: I don’t even feel single yet. Maybe it’s because we’ve broken up before. Maybe it’s because it’s been like uh, 5 days. Maybe it’s because every time I text a dude, I feel guilty. I come home alone by choice. I get drunk and wish that somehow I could get home, and when I think home, I think Mike’s home. (Maybe it’s because I know he doesn’t have herpes…)

Regardless, I know I’m good at single. I’m just not ready to be all mingle-y quite yet.

However, as we stood around at work yesterday and the slowness of the night began to fuzz our brains with exhaustion, and a dude from the mountain walked in and asked if I wanted to hang out with him sometime (I said no)- my coworker Mark looked at me and proclaimed:

“We’re all waiting to see your next move. It’s going to be a great winter. You’re going to be so good at being single.”

And he’s right. I am going to be so good at it. Mainly because, as it turns out, I’ve had a lot of practice.


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