My Fictional Boyfriends (or Why all Real Boys are Doomed)

I’ve always wanted a boyfriend- even at a really young age.

I wasn’t one of those young lasses that daydreamed about a wonderful wedding and having babies and picket fences. As far as young girls go, I was pretty level-headed- I just wanted a dude that would play catch with me and actually like me and sneak in a kiss here and there down at “the Track” at the end of our street. (For those not in the know, the Track was a BMX course that was built by a bunch of high school kids at the end of Green Street that my brother, and three neighborhood besties snuck down to and rode our Huffy’s on.)

Generally speaking, I think the concept of a boyfriend is a good one. You have a companion who supports you, listens to you, opens really tight spaghetti sauce jars for you, laughs with you, watches movies with you, eats your crappy cooking with you, cooks crappily for you, encourages you, gains back that 5 pounds of happiness with you, does shit even though they don’t want to for you, and just loves you because you are you. Blah. I like it. Oh, to top this all off, they get to have sex with you. (Lucky…)

But at the turn of my 28th year, sitting on the crumbled remains of my first real long-term relationship -only slightly jaded- I realized maybe I was doomed. Maybe I just wasn’t built for this whole “relationship-work-through-shit-and-everlastingness-whatever.”

My records weren’t proving ever hopeful.

I’m a lazy American after all and I don’t really want to have to work for shit. I just want the perfect relationship to fall right into my lap and -poof(!)- happily ever after. But not only am I lazy, I’m also irrationally impatient and the idea of having to take years to get to know someone and figure out if we can make the jump from ‘frivolous courtship’ to ‘we can stop wearing condoms now’ to ‘golden anniversary’ is overwhelmingly daunting. (So much so, I actually just rolled my eyes after having written that.) 

But, to really round all of this unrealistic and dysfunctional expectation out, it just so happens, I have a real penchant for falling head-over-heels in love with imaginary people.

I cannot speak for all girls or women, but I think overall, most have developed a generalized idea of what they want their forever-home-dude (or chick) to be like that has been influenced by different movies, images, songs, and other iconic things that have shaped their popular culture.

This is definitely true for me.

I can actually break down my whole life into periods based solely on which fictional character I wanted to have 10,000 babies with. And quite frankly, when any one of my friends asks “have you ever really been in love?,” I can look at them -and without lying- give them a weak, heartbroken “yes.”

So without further adieu, let me introduce to you the men that have gripped my heart and made it near impossible for a real boy to ever be good enough for me…

Edward Cullen (Fell in love: 2009)

Edward and I met completely on accident. If you must know, I was actually die-hard and fervently against his whole Twilight world, because it was a series of books I was positive sucked.

Not only that, but I was actually into his friend, Jacob Black.

Our fateful meeting would occur at the end of 2009, after he had been around for a little bit and I was in a deep slump from relationships in general. My whole dating life was an absolute mess and quite frankly I was fed up. (This would prove a direct advantage for Mr. Cullen in his unintentional wooing of moi.)

I was sitting at the bar of the Irish pub I worked at that year and was flipping through one of those celebrity gossip magazines when I came upon a picture of a werewolf in human form bare chested in all of his muscle-y glory. I sighed. What a dreamy mystical creature, I thought, but kept flipping on through and pushed the thought to the back of mind.

The next night however, I was sitting at home, jamming my emotions (AKA Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked) into my mouth. The only money I had at all was a fifteen dollar gift card to iTunes and so since rent couldn’t be paid with it, I was perusing for a movie to buy and Twilight kept popping up. Finally, I said “fuck it, at least I’ll see some hot ass mother fuckers running around shirtless.” (That’s a direct quote, by the way.) I bit the bullet and just outright bought the movie.

And the rest is history- at the conclusion of the movie, I was so in shock at how utterly gripped my heart, vagina, and imagination were, that I started the whole movie over and watched it again. And then I fell asleep to it every night for months afterwards…

At that time of my life, Edward Cullen embodied an exaggerated version of everything that I had lacked in the past five years of relationships with men, and for some reason at one of my lowest points regarding men- this bejeweled skinned, overly passionate, fucking romantic as shit, vampire gave me a glimmer of hope.

Edward’s pros: 

- Edward Cullen is the epitome of uncontrollable lust.

I mean, this guy wants you so effing bad, he cannot even control himself. It is all he can do to NOT grab you and sink his teeth into your neck and suck the life right out of you. He wants you so bad he has to take a week long vacation in the mountain forests and hunt grizzly bears with his bare hands to try and get a grip on his longing for you. Paralyzed by his hunger for what courses through your veins, he is the definition of all-consuming lust. JUST IMAGINE WHAT HE WOULD DO TO YOUR VAGINA.

- He doesn’t sleep.

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but men have this uncanny knack for falling asleep out of nowhere. Sometimes at the absolute worst moments. My last boyfriend and I were having a talk where I was about to tell him I didn’t love him the same anymore when suddenly I realized, he had fallen asleep. You know what? I’ll break up with you tomorrow. Why don’t you take a little snooze? Because Edward can’t sleep, he can’t doze off at the worst possible fucking time in the history of naps so there’s that.

- He would do anything to keep you safe.

He will travel the world to keep you out of harm’s way. He will stop at nothing to make sure you are safe at all times. So much so, that he will buy you a car for your graduation present. Here, I bought you this Volvo because it is America’s safest car. Crazy, jealous, revengeful red-headed vampires want you dead? Whatever. Drunken rapists got you cornered in an alley? NO BIG DEAL. Edward will spend his life making sure nothing happens to you.

-He’s totally cool with all the stuff you worry other boys won’t be cool with.

That time of the month where you bleed involuntarily again? That’s Edward’s favorite time. Unwanted pregnancy even though it’s supposed to be impossible and you will be killed by vampire leaders? So what? He’ll stand by you til the end of days. Birthing complications? Don’t worry, Edward will chew through your placenta to get that baby out. This guy can totally handle heavy shit with grace. In fact, he’ll probably write you a sonnet about how he just loves you evermore every time you ask him to pick you up a box of tampons on his way home.

-He will never let you doubt his love for you.

Every time you walk into a room, he will rise and proclaim his love for you again. Every. Single. Time. Eventually you’ll have no choice but to believe him.

Edward’s Cons:

- If you have commitment issues, this guy may be tough to handle. He wants you for all literal eternity.

-His friends don’t just talk bad about you behind your back- they actually try and kill you.

- He doesn’t put out until after you’re married.

MARRIAGE POTENTIAL: 98.7% This dude’s a keeper. Totally dangerous, but the safest place you’ll ever be. In touch with his feelings and sensitive side, yet a total fucking bad ass. He’ll shower you with love and affection and romance and then run you to the top of a mountain in 2.2 seconds flat. He’ll never cheat on you, do absolutely anything for you, and let’s face it, the only way you’ll get him in bed is if you take the commitment plunge.

Jack Sparrow (Fell in love: 2003)

Had I met Jack at any other time, I probably would not have fallen for him as hard. (Isn’t that true of most love stories?) I was first introduced at the height of my pirate obsession, a time where I immersed myself in all kinds of pirate readings and also at the beginning of the height of my drinking/I-don’t-give-a-fuck stage. And that was Jack- drunk and not giving a fuck. But on an adventure of epic proportions and I was into that.

My intensity for Jack waned a bit throughout the series as he seemed more childish to me, but sometimes… you just grow away from people.

 

Jack’s Pros: 

- Jack likes to party.

This guy will never be dragging you away from the bar or a good time. He’ll be saddled right up next to you puking all over the bouncer while holding your hair so you can puke, too. Even if you lose all your family and friends because you’re both drunken messes- who gives a shit? You have each other! Your whole life will be a party. Rum for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

-He has a ship. Well, sometimes.

Even though for most of his story, he’s trying to get his ship back, he still has one, which means a lot of your partying? On a boat!

- He can get out of almost anything.

Jack’s smooth and crafty, and because he’s lived a life short of 100% honesty- he can finagle out of many a tough situation. You get arrested and are sentenced to death? Have no fear, Jack will figure a way out of it. That’s a good right hand man to have. And no matter how selfish his motives seem- in the end it’s always beneficial for the good guys.

Jack’s Cons:

*See Pros Above*

MARRIAGE POTENTIAL: 0.05% Maybe in Vegas after we had both drank and gambled away everything we owned.

Jack Dawson (Fell in love: 1998)

This guy? OHMUHGAWD.

Show me someone with a vagina, and I’ll show you someone that is in love with Jack Dawson. He embodies the story that every little girl and every adult woman believes will happen to her: I’m totally fucking miserable even though I’m wearing this really nice dress but that’s okay because I’d give away all my riches to spit off the side of this boat with that dirt poor, hot guy. The end. 

Jack, like all of my fictional boyfriends really, came to me at a time when I was down in the dumps. I had made out with someone for the first time and he was a terrible kisser. I still didn’t have boobs. I had just switched schools and moved away from the guy I was convinced was my soul mate in all of his go-kart racing, super popular 7th grade glory.

And then in walks Jack Dawson, all wonderful boyfriend looking in his poor-boy trousers and the most perfect haircut ever trimmed. (If you’re not obsessed with the bowl cut, you didn’t grow up as a girl in the 90′s.) I was hooked, along with every other girl in the United States of America.

Jack’s Pros: 

-Everything about Jack is a pro. Ev-Ry-Thing. Overall, he’s exactly the type of man you want. Period. He’s spontaneous. He’s funny. He’s talented and will draw naked portraits of you. He’s secure enough in himself that the fact that your ex-boyfriend is the richest man alive and going to spend forever trying to keep you or shoot you is totally fine. He’s freakin’ adorable. He will die so that you can survive and live a long life. This is the kind of guy that you can call at 4 AM, hammered drunk and he’s going to pick up, and he’s going to listen to you cry, and he’s going to soothe you, AND HE’S NOT EVEN GOING TO BE MAD.

Jack’s Cons:

NOT APPLICABLE. 

MARRIAGE POTENTIAL: 150% Marrying Jack Dawson would be like marrying a human puppy. It would be like marrying every adorable baby animal video on the internet. It would be like marrying the most perfect snowflake that just landed on your button nose. It would be like marrying the feeling you get sipping hot chocolate while wrapped in a quilt your grandmother hand-stitched you. No woman would say no to Jack Dawson. 

Lucas Wolenczak (Fell in love: 1993)

There are two TV shows I remember always tuning into as a family when I was young: “Murder, She Wrote” and “Seaquest DSV.”

And Seaquest offered me up the smartest fictional boyfriend I have ever had: Lucas Wolenczack.

I’ve always had a thing for smart dudes, because well, they’re smart. I’m the type of girl that’s going to judge you by your grammar in text messages and the books you have on your bookshelf, so the first time I met computer genius Lucas, I was smitten. Who can believe such luck? Not only is this guy as adorable as any stupid jock or dapper rich guy, but his IQ is higher than all of those dude’s IQs combined.

Lucas makes smart so attractive it would be like banging every volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica and every issue of Tiger Beat AT THE SAME TIME. A super genius that talks to mother effin’ dolphins backed by sweet American looks that even an apple pie can’t compete with, Lucas set my standards to an almost unachievable high.

Lucas’s Pros: 

- Lucas lives in an underwater, space world.

I’m not sure if Lucas has a car, but he does have a submarine spaceship and a pet dolphin. And he doesn’t live at home with his parents or with a bunch of his dumb, immature friends in the apartment above the local video rental store. Nope, he lives on an UNDERWATER HIGH-TECH YACHT with his older, wiser captain friend, and together they go around securing the ocean and engineering answers to sea problems. The view from your bedroom window would be humpback whales and great white sharks and shipwrecks and coral reefs. You’d be finding Nemo and freeing Willy as hobbies. With better gadgets than Ariel could have dreamed of, you’d be Princess Mermaid of the technological ocean world.

-He’s a computer genius.

Lucas is a super hot version of Bill Gates- except even still way smarter. As far as I am concerned, he is the smartest man that ever was. And you know what his first course of action was with his brilliance? Invent something so that dolphins could speak English. (Dude, go ahead, change your panties.) On top of that, just imagine how handy he’d be if your iPod broke and you were drunk and just HAD to hear “My Humps” one more time. Or if you uploaded 193 selfies of yourself casually glancing to the side and then suddenly THEY WERE GONE. He’d know what to do. He’d fix that iPod in a flash and retrieve those selfies lickety-split. (Commence drunk dance party and false sense of confidence.) And of course, there’s the obvious- he’d always have a job because he’s a genius and even if by some fluke he got laid off? He’d just invent something awesome. You’d never work another day of your life.

- He has a pet dolphin.

I don’t think this one needs explaining. He has a pet dolphin. Sigh.

Lucas’s Cons:

- His IQ is for real higher than yours, and I don’t know about you, but this is not generally something I am used to in regards to the men I date. Not being able to think in my mind I’m so much smarter than you when gazing into his eyes may cause problems at some point.

- Later on in life, he dresses as a chick and plays soccer with a girl’s high school soccer team called the Ladybugs.

MARRIAGE POTENTIAL: 52.43% Something tells me that he’s not exactly Captain Romance or First Mate Express Yourself and eventually you would become second to saving the ocean and after the first year -maybe even earlier- you’d stop feeling special or important, in turn causing you to stop opening up to him and stop being interested in sex, in turn causing you to have an affair -both emotionally and physically- with the ship cafeteria cook, Gustav. This marriage would be headed for divorce. Also, how the fuck do you pronounce Wolenczak? That last name is a disaster. 

Zack Morris (Fell in love: 1990)

Most of us have a first love that we reference in mind when someone brings up this topic. I am no different.

Mine is Zack Morris.

I do not remember the first time I met him, or saw him, or thought of him. Honestly, I cannot even remember a time before him. (Maybe because I was like 5- whatever.)

But I can remember how passionately I fell for him.

I made all the neighborhood boys pretend they were him. “Pretend you’re Zack Morris!,” I’d say and we’d play “house” and I’d be the luckiest 6 year-old bride ever.

I wrote Mrs. Rebekah Morris all over everything and hung on his every word. (He being the only man I have ever actually done this with.)

He is the only guy that has actually been able to keep my heart from slipping through his fingers because even after all these years, if I catch a glimpse of him, I melt into a putrid puddle of obsessive emotions.

Zack Morris pretty much set the standard for what my “type” would be- confident, high school prom king, preppy, jokester, kind of aloof, but also not aloof, sensitive, but also not sensitive, a dash of romance, and able to poke fun at anything. Swoon.

Zack’s Pros:

- Zack will give anyone a first chance.

Are you in a wheel chair? Zack doesn’t mind. In fact, he’ll advocate handicap rights for you. Are you homeless? No big deal! Zack will make sure you have the merriest homeless Christmas EVER. Zack has dated every kind of chick there is, so if you’re into him you will get your shot- which is really all you need – that door opened once so you can grab his heart and balls for good. No girl is too below him for that first shot at love.

- He really is a good dude.

No matter how many jokes he makes. No matter how many scams he creates. Deep down, he’s a stand-up guy. Zack always does the right thing. Even if he fucks up, this is a guy who’s going to realize he’s been an asshole, before you have to be like “you’re a fucking asshole.” That’s huge. For any person really. And then he’s going to fix it with a grand gesture like a secret picnic where you slow dance and wear Burger King crowns. He’s not afraid to admit when he’s wrong and he’s going to fix it before your hurt has a chance to ferment into a lasting loathing.

- He can stop time.

Simply by calling “TIME OUT,” he can stop time as we know it, have an epiphany, and then carry on. Just think of the possibilities! Uh, can you do that thing you do where everything stops so I can slightly alter my surroundings and change the next 5 minutes? Thanks, because I think that chick over there is about to punch my lights out. This secret talent of his has endless opportunity.

- He makes things happen.

Of all of my make-believe men, Zack Morris definitely is the most likely to figure everything out for you. You’re broke? Zack will start some business where you sell friendship headbands or spaghetti sauce. You’re addicted to drugs or something? Zack will ease you out of that addiction because he truly cares about you. You’re too tall to go to the dance with all the shorty guys? No problem! Zack will go with you and make you realize it ain’t no thing. Any problem you could have- Zack will find a solution.

-He’s the most popular guy at school.

Bonus!

Zack’s Cons:

- If you’re the jealous type, a relationship with Zack will be tricky for you to maintain. He hangs out with his exes all the fucking time. Particularly, the beauty queen, cheerleader Kelly Kapowski, who leaves him for his best friend, a restaurant manager, a college professor, and pretty much everyone at some point. Walking in on him sharing a soda pop with her at the Max will undoubtedly piss you off eventually- probably even if you’re not the jealous type. Zack is unreasonably close to chicks that have fucked him over to the point of absurdity and that’s not really attractive.

- Have you seen some of the sweaters he wears?

MARRIAGE POTENTIAL: Well honestly, for you it’s 0% percent, because I already married him on the playground during recess in the 1st grade, thankyouverymuch. 

*NOTABLE MENTIONS*

- Irvine Kinneas (Final Fantasy VIII): A sharp-shooting ladies man with an appetite for adventure, this guy can really sweep a woman off her feet BUT he has a ponytail. Poo.

- Casper (The friendly ghost): For the one minute that I saw this dead dude in all of his real boy glory, I could not contend with my feelings. The minute he asked Christina Ricci “can I keep you?” was the minute I had my sexual awakening. But alas, he’s dead and will be 9 years old forever.

-Tyler Durden (Fight Club): Although we share many similar philosophies, his methods are a bit extreme. However, if he just walked around with no shirt on, it may work.

-Aladdin (Diamond in the Rough): Riff raff? Street rat? I don’t buy that. This guy’s got a genie, a magic carpet, and a monkey.

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4 Responses to My Fictional Boyfriends (or Why all Real Boys are Doomed)

  1. sarahthegreat says:

    Angel from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the TV show. Dylan from 90210. I die.

    • Becki says:

      I’ve never actually watched either of those shows. It was WAY before my vampire stage and I was still way too mad at Kelly to watch 90210.

  2. Mike says:

    Excellent!

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