You Can’t Turn a Douche Bag into a Husband

Most of my mornings that are not consumed by work or my boyfriend begin by me drinking coffee and reading the news and other gems on the internet. I peruse around a bit, get a basic view of what’s going on in the world, and then start my own writing.

This morning was no different, aside from the fact that I stumbled upon this treasure.

Elite Daily which claims to be “the voice of Generation-Y” (also known as the generation of narcissism, entitlement, and women starting to test higher than men in all areas of academia) features a gentleman most appropriately named Preston (which if pronounced correctly sounds more like do͞oSH). 

He writes an opinion piece in which he warns the men of today to avoid WHORES. (Seriously, read it.)

Thoughts Right Off the Top:

-Preston has recently been dumped by a girl who can get way more sex than him.

-Preston wants to have sex with Kim Kardashian.

-Preston is going to make a really shitty husband.

-Preston thinks any girl wearing lingerie is a hoe-bag. (As shown in photos.)

First, let’s discuss the term whore for a minute.

In our society this term is used rather loosely. Pretty much, it can be used to describe any female that you have ill-feelings towards. You know, such as the girl that you know nothing about who is currently dating your adorb crush or the chick who dumped you for a guy because he actually tells her he cares about her. Essentially, you can make yourself feel better by calling any lady you don’t like a total effing skank.

Quite frankly, I rarely hear someone call another a whore or slut or whatever with good reason. Typically it’s superciliously tossed out because of something else -be it hurt, misunderstanding, jealousy- not because the intended target has fucked a zillion, million guys for her own evil gain. It’s become an almost entirely subjective term, meaning it’s generally based on lax opinions, feelings, or general tastes- not facts.

Women call other women whores even though they’ve done the exact same “whorish” things. Dudes call women whores just because they got dumped or rejected. People single out women and call them sluts because of their outfits. I’ve seen girls who have never even had sex be called whores.

And I’m not perfect internet. I was once stuck in this cultural mind trap too.

On top of that, we live in a society that teaches women to be ashamed for being overly sexual, and yet still be mystical sex robot blow job mistresses. Our sexuality is used against us constantly. We’re supposed to be super hot and sexual but not too super hot and sexual. (Unfortunately contrary to some beliefs, our sexuality is not just some magical power we have that absorbs riches via our enchanted and spellbinding vaginas.) Women are objectified, considered lesser than, and berated with contradictory messages often- all while having the unreasonable expectations on what kind of a platform we should be building the foundation for our ultimate destiny that is “acceptable housewife.”

But I’m not here to wax women’s rights or declare a sexual war that spawns revolution.

No, I’m here to explain some things to the Prestons of the world by breaking down the word vomit that has been projectile puked onto the internet.

Let’s begin, shall we?

Preston writes: “The mentality of a whore is simultaneously destructive – like a double edged sword. Not only is she looking for the same gratification of sex that you are, but she is also a gold digger. …[sic] Their not fucking any broke dudes”

First of all, it’s “they’re” not “their.”

Second of all, how dare she want the same sexual gratification of sex as a man! The fucking nerve of whores!

And third of all, phew! Considering the fact I think I’ve only been with one dude ever that wasn’t broke, this pretty much puts me in the clear.

Although, technically speaking, you’re onto something, honey. The actual definition of “whore” does involve some form of personal gain, but it also doesn’t get gender specific in that it specifies “a person” rather than “a woman.” That is to say, men can be equally as whorish in their sexual adventures, and I’m sure that most women -at least whom I know- can attest to that.

But it’s generalized statements like yours that cast the whore light onto women alone; that turn our desire to be sexually pleasured into some weapon we secretly carry in our stilettos. I’m not sitting around ready to whip out my wish for an orgasm at any second to cut off your penis, dude. We just want to get off too, it turns out. And guess what? We’re allowed to want that.

Preston writes: “Think about that moment you have a talk with your daughter: while you tell her that she should respect herself and not sleep around your whore of a wife will chuckle.”

What the fuck is this?

Dude, come on. This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.

Not only did I just chuckle at your scenario, I let out a whole-hearted laugh. All I could picture was the next scene of your ribald family moment: then your whore of a wife will pull aside your innocent little girl and say “now, don’t you listen to a word your prude father tells you. You go and fuck everyone!” And then your whore of a wife will dress your precious baby girl in lingerie under her jumper and together they’ll practice flirting. 

Seriously, give me a break.

Preston writes: “Every promiscuous woman has more than a few night’s experience, so it will only bemuse the men that have banged her on intoxicated nights filled with cocaine to find out she is married to you.

Yes, behind every wife that has had sex with men before her husband, is a slew of men laughing at him. Also, your whore of a wife is a drunk coke head. Clearly.

No, more likely, behind every man marrying the elusive whore is a bunch of dudes wondering what the hell he did to get so lucky. Or maybe a bunch of dudes that don’t give a fuck. Either way, I’m hard-pressed to think there are a bunch of ex-whore flings sitting around a poker table snickering. And if there are? So what? You should be marrying someone because you love them- not because all the gentry of the village agree with your decision.

Preston writes: “Imagine asking her about her past, and her numeral response far surpasses yours.

Just imagine the sheer whore-er of a woman having more sex than a man! JUST IMAGINE HOW UNMANLY YOU’LL FEEL!

This, my dear Preston, is an insecurity issue- not a whore issue. If a man or woman can’t handle the fact that their lover has slept with more people than them, it stems from a feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem, not because they are dating an inexcusable slut-bag.

Preston writes: “ [sic]… her vagina will be so blown out a night with her will be like throwing a hot-dog down a hallway. It becomes like a old car with a lot of miles on it. Yes the engine might still be there but the ride is terrible.

Wait a minute… I think I just figured this out. Preston is 14 years old! The only people who actually use that hot dog/hallway comparison are freshman in high school.

Oh, and au contraire, I’m willing to bet the ride is going to be pretty good, if this woman gets around as much as you say.

Preston writes: “What good housewife or girlfriend do you know of that is unpredictable? Absolutely none.

Where are you getting this data from? Who are you talking to? Are you on bad terms with your mother?

I’m not even sure what you are talking about here, but this sounds like a control issue that’s embedded somewhere deep inside your psyche.

Personally, I think not being able to predict what’s going to happen every minute is the fun part. Like one day you’re just walking along thinking what a typical, not at all unpredictable day. And then your significant other shows up and shouts “surprise doll face! I have gotten us two tickets to tap dancing lessons tonight!” And then you’re like “I’ve never wanted to tap dance, but I can’t wait!” And then you have potentially one of the most spontaneously fun evenings ever all on a whim. That’s awesome. Surprises are fun.

And let’s be real here, there is no such thing as a completely predictable person- all people are unpredictable because all people have the power to change their everything in a single moment.

Preston writes: “The whore mentality usually consists of insecurity.

The douche bag mentality usually does too.

I’m going to stop there, peeps of the internet, because I could literally snark on every single sentence in this guy’s piece. It is punctuated with nothing but whore shaming and Preston’s own personal rudimentary opinion and lack of inner reflection.

The fact is, this whole article is mostly bullshit. Yeah, some women suck, but so do some men, and in neither case does it have anything to do with how many people they have slept with or what their favorite position is.

Really, what Preston would have written had he put a little more thought into this is to simply watch out for people that have their own interests at the forefront and are not actually in a partnership, but rather a dictatorship. He would warn that not everyone has your future in the same light as their own and that people can be shitty on occasion and can take advantage of something you have, whether it’s your money, your goodwill, your acceptance, your compassion, or your bag of peanut butter cups. Sometimes some really awful things are done and said to others by people -not just gold-digging, whore women- but shitty people of all walks of life with all different kinds of backgrounds.

He would have also taken a moment to note as to why he feels the way he does. Personally, that’s one of the things I love about writing the most: having the opportunity to work out my own emotions, feelings, situations, opinions, whatever. Most of the time such generalized blatant dislike comes from something else, and although I am no psychologist, I see an underlying personal issue to Preston’s story and not just the advice to watch for falling whores.

Listen, I’m sure at some point in your life you’ve heard the phrase you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. Luckily for me, the people I surround myself with use it as a joke, a back-slap comment accompanied by laugh, but there is no doubt, you’ve all heard it.

And hey, maybe a hoe is literally a hoe from birth until death with no other path to choose from but hoe-ing and is forbidden from all housewife-ing whatsoever.

Maybe a person that is classified as a hoe is classified as such for all eternity- no ifs, ands, or plump butts. And, she could never be classified as a housewife, because cross-classification would end the whole universe and cause the moon to crash into the Earth. (Preston does note in his introduction that it’s the oldest rule of mankind and should be the 11th commandment.)

Well then, slap my ass and call me a hoe.

But the world works both ways.

Because guess what?

You can’t turn a douche bag into a husband.

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This entry was posted in a romantic commitment-phobe, an aimless ranter, politically incorrect. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to You Can’t Turn a Douche Bag into a Husband

  1. JL says:

    Elite Daily is crap. Instead of helping this asshole’s SEO, link to sites like this with a NoFollow tag (automatically generate it here).

    Because ‘Fuck Him.’


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