BREAKING NEWS: Maple Syrup is Actually Heroin!

It was 5:08 a.m. when our anonymous source woke up- both she and morning still blanketed with darkness. Fighting back the urge to pee, she reached over for her cell phone to shut off the alarm she had woken up ahead of and to do what every hot chick does in the morning- check her Facebook inbox to see how many attempts were made at getting her naked throughout the night.

Surprisingly, zero attempts were made at getting her naked, however she did stumble upon Rolling Stone Magazine’s Facebook fan page which in lieu of a recent article has been littered with posts written by “true Vermonters” speaking out against a flagrant defamation to the image of the innocent and angelic Vermont sugaring industry.

After having read about 20 misspelled, curse-filled, ignorant rants, void of grammar and reason almost altogether, she decreed aloud to no one in particular “what the FUCK?”

“I mean, to be honest, after having read 99% of the posts, I was shocked at what a bunch of crybaby pussies Vermonters were being- pretty much because they were called a bad name,” she said sound tracked with a yawn, as she stretched out one of her arms and rubbed the sleep from her eyes with the other.

The article in question was published in the April 2014 issue of Rolling Stone Magazine, titled “The New Face of Heroin” and used an altered image that has been a staple of the Vermont Maple Syrup industry for decades. The image has been described by “true Vermonters” as “pure,” “heroic,” and “priceless,” and many are outraged at Rolling Stones’ depiction of Vermont’s most sacred tradition and most beloved pastime ever. (Second only to getting drunk and gutting out wild animals’ internal organs.)

We were fortunate enough to have a sit down talk with this traitor living among the true Vermonters. Wishing to remain anonymous for fear of a local lynching mob, a 29 year old female, not only defends Rolling Stones’ defacing of Vermont’s priceless masterpiece as well as supports the poor representation of Vermont’s stoic hero, Man who Sugars in Red Flannel, but is happy they did.

Why do you think Rolling Stone Magazine hates maple syrup so much?

(Blank stare)

Okay, let me rephrase.  Why do you think Rolling Stone Magazine has declared war on maple syrup?

Uh, I don’t think they declared war on maple syrup. In fact, I don’t believe that they were singling out the sugaring industry on purpose at all.

Why else would they use that image if not to be a maple syrup hater?

Using an image that immediately brings to mind the place you are referencing is smart. Especially in Vermont’s case, as we are a state that many Americans cannot point out or even know is, in fact, a state. Rolling Stone put together a likeness that both brings to mind Vermont and grabs your attention, and as I assume that was their intention, they pretty much nailed it.

But isn’t it true that “sugaring has zero to do with heroin?”

Yes, I wouldn’t immediately associate the two together and I still don’t. Our society has been using familiar images of unrelated topics to bring light to other issues for decades, probably centuries as far as I know. I feel that getting offended by this one, singular picture is a way of deflecting the actual issue -which is that Vermont indeed has a very large heroin problem- to something easier to digest and solve. In this case, defending the sugaring industry from imaginary attack.

Are you saying that people who sugar are all heroin addicts like Rolling Stone is saying? 

No, I am not. But I will not say that they are immune to addiction. They are just as at risk as any other person. The problem that’s being brushed aside is that we, as Vermonters, are facing a crisis, a heroin epidemic that is trickling down to all faucets of Vermont living -yes, even sugaring- and while everyone is busy defending a condiment and the process for which we make it, their neighbors are busy overdosing with a needle hanging out of their arm. To me, that seems rather counterproductive and ineffective, no?

Wait, are you saying that maple syrup is secret code for heroin?

No.

What does it mean when they say “pure” Vermont Maple Syrup?

(Blank stare.)

Isn’t it true that Vermont has just completely changed how they grade and describe syrup? Making it easier to tell the difference for the common consumer? Is that just a ruse for an underground heroin market? 

Uh, no. Not at all.

Are you aware that “true Vermonters” won’t even read the article because they find the defaced picture so offensive? 

Well, that’s just plain ignorant.

So, let’s get this straight, you admit that maple syrup and heroin are two totally different entities -both in product and in manufacturing process- however, you do not believe that Rolling Stone hates Vermont and maple syrup and kittens even though they published that photo clearly showing that maple syrup is street slang for dope and they are obviously related? 

The maple syrup industry and heroin have nothing to do with each other, and anyone that would assume so from the image, I’m going to categorize as not that bright. Rolling Stone cleverly used an image that has brought attention to a problem that we face here in Vermont today, and rather than get angry that maple syrup is being poked fun of, “true Vermonters” should use this national exposure to our advantage and try and find solutions for a very difficult issue that is affecting many people.

Well, thank you for your time and I hope you choke on your pancakes. 

Thank you?

More on this story as true Vermonters defend the most innocent and hard working people of our great nation and completely dodge the real issue altogether.

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4 Responses to BREAKING NEWS: Maple Syrup is Actually Heroin!

  1. Peter W. Ruby says:

    Vermont will survive this herion epidemic– Rolling Stone magazine like LOOK and LIFE will die!

  2. Eloy says:

    I see a lot of interesting posts on your website.
    You have to spend a lot of time writing

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