She’s Fakin’ it, Bruh (And Other Things I’ve Learned from Porn)

I watch porn.

Most that know me are aware of this, because I’m pretty cavalier about it. Honestly, I see nothing to be ashamed of.  You, fellow surfer of the interwebs, might watch porn too. Or maybe you don’t. That’s your choice, but regardless of your viewing preference, I watch porn and I watch a lot of it and I probably will even when I’m ninety- breathing off a respirator with breasts still perky as ever (this is my obvious boob future). And after placing the sweater I’m knitting atop the mass market mystery novel I’m reading, my old lady voice will be echoing down the halls “Why’s the damn internet connection so fucking slow?! It’s the year 2075 for Christ’s sake and the porn won’t load! Is this the goddamn Holocaust?! Somebody get me a whiskey.”

How did I get into watching porn? Probably much the same as most- curiosity and an overwhelming amount of hormones that for the most part I was, and quite frankly still can be, completely powerless to. I’ve been hooked on the idea of making out since I was introduced to my first loves, Alvin the Chipmunk and Zack Morris. Part of that probably has some stock in the fact that I had no fucking idea what sex was all about. And because of that, and the contradictary message our society shouts at women -lady in the street, freak in the bed- it’s safe to say that up until I hit about 23 years old I was a total prude. I was so insecure, unsure, overwhelmed by trying to not be a “whore” but also be sexually desirable to men, and in a way, totally frightened because no one really wants to sit you down and tell you all about sex.

So for the most part, young people are forced to figure it out on their own.

When I was 12, I was obsessed with a band called Hanson, and although they were not my first love (that title belongs to Alvin the chipmunk and Zack Morris as previously stated), they were my super massive crush right at the age that sex started to not seem like a terribly disgusting idea. Tiger Beat posters of the three of them wallpapered my room and I would spend my time reading interviews where they described their favorite taco condiments and what they did on a lazy Sunday. At some point though, in between AOL instant messaging all of my tweeny bopper besties and  hanging out in chat rooms, I unearthed soft-core fan fiction about the Hanson brothers. I would wile away hours reading these stories; each borderline shoddy tale of breast fondling and making out with Taylor Hanson in the backseat of a 1993 hunter green Dodge Neon began to make me realize that growing up was cool cause boys and sex.

Gradually, as I grew older and hit high school, my love for Hanson died away, but I still recognized that sometimes the idea of dudes and making out would give me that roller coaster feeling in my vagina. I stumbled through these years blindly for the most part, snagged a boyfriend or two (RIP virginity) and at the dawn of my 18th year -still lacking confidence entirely with real-life sex and grappling with a billion insecurities about myself and my body- I discovered porn.

The first actual pornography I watched was not on the internet, by the way.

No, I rented it from a video store, like the olden days -Laura Ingalls Wilder style. After I argued with myself for weeks -what if I see someone I know?!- and tried to figure out what I would say if I ran into my tenth grade English teacher or any of my friends’ parents, I decided fuck it and went to the local video rental store- Video One. With my head held as high as someone utterly unsure of what they were doing could muster, I walked straight to the Adults Only section, and in a haste, picked out two VHS tapes that looked like they could possibly entertain me (Good Will Humping or Gulp Friction anyone?). I made my way to the register where a young kid with long, greasy hair and a bandana tied around his head like Rambo sat cleaning out the remnants of Cheetos cheese and dirt from his fingernails with a safety pin. As he sat, face to face with the 5 foot, 102 pound, 18 year-old blonde girl that could barely pass for 12, renting videos where the plot line centered around hardcore penetration, surprise painted his face and I raised my eyebrows just a smidge in an attempt to silently ask do we have a problem here, buddy? You going to ring me up or what?

Ultimately, the fact that I didn’t hide behind a computer screen that first time, but more or less announced in a public place, I’m here for porn because look, people of my small town neighborhood, I am renting porn in broad daylight, not only began my relationship with the world of triple X, but much more importantly, began building the platform in which I realized watching sex and having sex and talking about sex was only something to be ashamed of if I let myself think it was.

I’d like to stress that this isn’t a blog to try and convince you to watch porn -I don’t give a shit how you get off when no one is around. Nor is it a blog to explain why I watch porn -I think that probably goes without saying. If you take anything from this, I hope it is that it’s okay to really like sex and it’s okay to watch porn and it’s okay to tell the whole internet these things without shame. After all, sex is one of the most natural activities most of us partake in.

But there are a couple things that I’d like to clear up and because I don’t give a shit what you think of me, I will.

Once again internet: You’re welcome.

 1) Porn sex can actually be real sex. 

What I hear people say about videos of the triple X kind the most is that it’s not real life. Porn sex is not real sex. It’s all fake. It’s not even close to real life. Saying something like this is like watching Independence Day and being like Will Smith didn’t actually save the whole world from aliens on July 4th while the first lady of this great nation slowly died and came to grips with the fact that strippers are okay people, too. That’s not real life, you know. Because no shit, a gang bang is probably not going to start as soon as I walk into an auto parts store looking to buy a new headlight for my Jeep.

Most of what is viewed is not real life. And yet, people will rush out and buy a new paper towel brand because they watched a commercial with a paid actress spinning around her kitchen in make-believe ecstasy because she was able to absorb all of the cranberry juice spilled on the counter top with one sweep of a pillowly soft piece of paper. That’s not real life either. In fact, to me, it’s even less believable that I’ll find a paper towel brand that makes me twirl around like a ballerina than a sex position that makes me squeal with pleasure. (In other words, I think commercials are less morally sound than porn.) Whenever I hear someone quip about how porn sex isn’t real sex, and so therefore can’t be replicated, I can’t help but think well, you clearly haven’t had sex with the right person yet. It is severely hurtful to the general public’s overall outlook on sex if you tell them people can’t have porn quality sex without actually being in porn, in turn saying that their wildest sexual fantasies are impossible to achieve. Because it’s simply not true. To be quite lewd, one out of every two porn clips I watch, I think in my mind me and my boyfriend would do that so much better. And then we do. Porn is like my cookbook for sex. Sometimes, I’ll be flipping through the archives of porn, see something, and be like “mmm, that looks delicious, I’m going to try that with Bill later,” or maybe I’ll think “huh, well that’s a little different, but maybe it’s tasty, we’ll try that, too.” Porn sex can inspire real sex, just as Barefoot Contessa can inspire dinner.

Mainly, in order to have porn quality sex, all you need is to be confident with your partner and have a partner that is sexually compatible and willing to try new sex stuff with you. And sometimes things will go awry and you can’t edit it out- dicks will go limp, you may lose the key to the handcuffs, or maybe you end up with a black eye. But quite frankly, being comfortable and sexually compatible should be at the forefront of important relationship matters anyway. Mainly because everyone likes sex, but also because it’s one of the only things that you share exclusively with your partner. It’s one of the things that makes you a couple as opposed to just drinking buddies and because of that, it should be warranted more time than talking about what kind of duvet cover you both agree on or discussing what your favorite movie is and why. Sadly, with many couples, this is not the case however.

2) Women don’t need a story line.

I once bought a 6 month subscription to one of my favorite porn sites. I figured graduating to membership access and being able to watch the whole video as opposed to just the highlights was a worthy purchase for me because I watched enough porn, right?

Wrong.

There is this misconception that women can’t get off without knowing the whole back story. I can’t orgasm without knowing WHY they’re having sex in that white van wearing ski masks. I mean, like where did they meet? Were they at a ski resort? I hope they love each other! I just need to know why this is all happening because otherwise I might as well be watching The Bachelorette. 

I realized within 5 minutes, I had made a mistake. I just don’t give a fuck why the dude is tying the chick up in the back of a horse stable or why he’s wearing pilgrim knickers and a top hat whilst performing said act. It’s not why I watch porn. I’m totally good with just the 3 minute highlight reel. (And let’s be real. They don’t hire the people starring in porn because of their acting capabilities. I’m pretty sure they go through the same agency as the Lifetime Channel.)

And a lot of women are with me on this one. They may not admit it as publicly as I do, but they’re with me.

(Side note: on the flip, there are both women and men that like to have a back story, and that’s totally cool. Whatever does it for you. But for me, that’s just what I call having a boyfriend- plenty of back story there.)

3.) No matter what, someone, somewhere, finds you to be totally sexy.

I swear this to you. No matter what your body type, sexual orientation, favorite position, preferred kinks, or how utterly depraved you think your thoughts are -someone, somewhere is totally into you and exactly what you’re into.

If you can think it -there’s a porn for it, and just as some are comforted by others looking at the same night stars, you can also rest easy knowing that someone, somewhere just beat off to the same porn as you. Your sexual soul mate exists.

4.) She’s fakin’ it, brah. 

A couple more things you should probably know:

- A lot of the female orgasms are not real, but some are. In order to make most women come, you have to put forth some effort. Most porn is produced for men, so that effort towards women is not always there. Just like in real life, I guess you’ll never really know.

- Most of the “squirting” you see in porn is not an actual female ejaculation. If a female ejaculates for realsies, it’s a small amount and slightly more milky. Nope, whenever you’re watching a porn and that lady is waterfalling come all over the place -that’s piss. She’s pissing everywhere.

-People that do a lot of anal porn have to perform enemas all day in order to cleanse their colons entirely of shit. If you’re a person that enjoys anal sex, but doesn’t have time to sit around doing enemas, you should expect some poop to show up every now and again. This shouldn’t deter you entirely from trying it, if you want to. It doesn’t happen often. (This is where that whole “comfortable with your partner” comes in play.)

- Nurses do not actually go to work wearing mini-skirts, garter belts, and high heels.

All in all peeps, it’s okay to watch porn and it’s okay to not watch porn. It’s your choice.

But just like everything in life -there’s a lesson to be pulled from it.

Happy porn surfing, and make your mama proud, everyone -have great sex.

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4 Responses to She’s Fakin’ it, Bruh (And Other Things I’ve Learned from Porn)

  1. Chris Lax says:

    It’s the same with boy cum – most of that is just milk.

  2. Chris Lax says:

    Or Elmer’s Glue.

  3. Dan says:

    That’s absolutely hilarious. Good to know with the whole squirting situation. In that case I’ve definitely both made girls come…and gotten pissed on. It’s all in good fun. However, the next time a girl goes Niagara Falls/Old Faithful on me, I’m definitely going R. Kelly style and pissing all over her. Thanks for the lesson.

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