Happy (I’m Still Not a) Mother’s Day!

Age: 30

Marriages: 0

Divorces: 0

BABIES: 0

Babies’ Daddies: NA

Good news internet! This year’s 4th annual Happy (I’m Still Not a) Mother’s Day pregnancy test was positively negative! My uterus of steel has been successful for another year- staying vigilant in my fight against involuntary responsibilities.

Tonight, in celebration, I am preparing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for dinner and considering picking up my vibrator off the living room floor and moving it to the coffee table for no good reason. Also, even though according to all moms I have no idea what it’s like to be for real tired, I’m probably going to take a nap. Actually, maybe I’ll take two naps since being so selfish that I don’t even want babies is draining. Maybe I’ll just lightly close my eyes and take the softest snooze while I think about all the different ways I can put my hair in a ponytail.

Whatev. Happy (I’m Still Not a) Mother’s Day!

p.s. internet- you do not get to celebrate Mother’s Day just because you have a cat. Seriously. You’re an insane person. Stop.

p.p.s. Kim Kardashian is a mom.

(Want reasons for me not having kids? READ THIS.)

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