As is the case every year, I didn’t watch the MTV Video Music Awards- partially because I’m a self-righteous warrior riding a high horse of anti-everything mainstream, but also because I can’t afford cable. No, instead, this year in grand Sunday fashion, I dragged my mattress out from my bedroom into the living room of my apartment, lounged in underwear as I ate popcorn and Milk Duds, and watched The Notebook.
But alas, Monday morning roles around and the only thing the internet has to talk about is why Miley Cyrus sucks and what Kanye West said. So ever-so-luckily, even though I choose not to watch any award show ever, I always know exactly what happened from start to finish.
Top 5 Things I want the Internet to Know:
1. Kanye West would make a better president than Donald Trump.
… That being said, I cannot help but wonder what it’s like to talk to Kanye in a more intimate setting. I imagine it’s something like trying to hold a conversation with a 3 year-old that just discovered it feels good to play with his own dick.
2. Taylor Swift’s squad of 113 girl friends is just as annoying as anything Miley Cyrus does.
Seriously. I get it, Taylor. Girl power. You don’t need a man. You’re very super popular. Chicks before dicks. You’re the epitome of a sorority girl’s night, and that’s great, but I think your gigantic group of girl besties is just the same as Miley flashing her boobs all over. You’re just flashin’ something different. It’s like mean girls on steroids, an over-hyped version of the most popular girls in high-school- spritzers, and giggles, and ‘we-hate-dudes’ galore!
You should bring your cat as your red carpet date. That would be less boring to me.
3. Bitches be feuding.
Taylor hugs Nicki. Nicki calls out Miley. Whatever. Shut up. I do not care who these people I don’t know are friends with or who they are in a fight with. The Internet is all like I STILL CAN’T GET OVER THIS PICTURE OF TAYLOR AND NICKI HUGGING and I’m over here like HOW MANY CUPCAKES CAN I EAT IN ONE MINUTE.
4. The real award goes to…
… whoever plans and organizes the event. Holy. You’re a busy human, the unsung hero, and you’re probably drinking a bottle of Rosé right to your face this Monday morning. Kudos. Like whoa.
5. The VMAs are not actually about awards at all.
Cool story bro, but can you name a single person that won a moon man last year?
No. You can’t, cause no one cares about the actual music video awards. Except for maybe the celebrities that win them, but even that I’m not so sure about.
It’s just about getting people to jizz celebrity gossip all over the Internet’s face the next day. And that’s totally cool, but until Taylor Swift shows up with a girl squad of just every, single Teen Mom in all of America- I’m unimpressed.
That’s all for now.